-Sigh- Some days I think that I am doing good. Going strong. Making it. And then there are days where I feel like a broken sewing machine and I am not holding anything together.
I just wish that things would settle out and life would make sense.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Growing Up
Been nearly a year between posts, and I realize suddenly the need for a journal. The help that I need in my life when things seem to go wrong. Granted I am a twenty five year old whose whole life seems to have gone wrong, but it isn't my lack of education or my career in fast food that has driven me to this somewhat ghastly understanding. It is that I don't have many friends.
I spend my time sewing away on a currently borrowed sewing machine, and I remember the person who taught me to sew and how wonderful she was.
It brings me down to realize that things have been reduced to petty name calling and mind games.
When does it become appropriate to act half your age and partake in petty gossip like a school girl. I am not referencing just her, but anyone out there. Don't they know words have power, and once they leave your lips you can no longer control that power anymore. It is out there for the world, and you can control it. Sure you can potentially do a bit of damage control but that is about it. The words have spun out in a spiral of hurt and cruel intentions. Why would anyone think behavior like this is acceptable. I mean these people went to college, have degree's, have children even and they act like this.
Granted much of their bull, I am smart enough to be able to prove it wrong when they try to whisper in the ears of those whom they would have on "their side". It sounds stupid but I have been reduced to saving emails and FB conversations, just in case. Is it sad that my inbox must remain full at all times to prove my innocence to the childish games people play.
And then cruelty, plane flat out cruelty to a person who is kind enough to share her journey and pain and some dim witted ass calls her a wacko. I could do nothing but jump to her defense, even if it is futile and those with such hurtful opinions rarely ever change them. Am I to defensive of a person. It is something I tend to do regularly. Defend myself.
Does life ever come into the world of adulthood, or is this what being a grown up is all about?
I spend my time sewing away on a currently borrowed sewing machine, and I remember the person who taught me to sew and how wonderful she was.
It brings me down to realize that things have been reduced to petty name calling and mind games.
When does it become appropriate to act half your age and partake in petty gossip like a school girl. I am not referencing just her, but anyone out there. Don't they know words have power, and once they leave your lips you can no longer control that power anymore. It is out there for the world, and you can control it. Sure you can potentially do a bit of damage control but that is about it. The words have spun out in a spiral of hurt and cruel intentions. Why would anyone think behavior like this is acceptable. I mean these people went to college, have degree's, have children even and they act like this.
Granted much of their bull, I am smart enough to be able to prove it wrong when they try to whisper in the ears of those whom they would have on "their side". It sounds stupid but I have been reduced to saving emails and FB conversations, just in case. Is it sad that my inbox must remain full at all times to prove my innocence to the childish games people play.
And then cruelty, plane flat out cruelty to a person who is kind enough to share her journey and pain and some dim witted ass calls her a wacko. I could do nothing but jump to her defense, even if it is futile and those with such hurtful opinions rarely ever change them. Am I to defensive of a person. It is something I tend to do regularly. Defend myself.
Does life ever come into the world of adulthood, or is this what being a grown up is all about?
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Acceptance
So I have always thought of myself as a very accepting person, but today that has been pushed to the limits in ways that I didn't think it ever would, and while it has nothing to do with sewing at the moment... I feel about as stretreched to my limits as well crafted spandex over a rather large body. Or stretch velvet, depending on your preference.
So my little sister came to me asking for help, needing a place to stay and help dealing. Since I love her and I would never turn her away we made room for her in our tiny little apartment. It was a tight fit, but hey we could have made it work. She is having boy troubles, fresh out of high school, dating this moron for three years, all they do is fight and scream, he wants to sleep with other women but yet lacks the balls to actually do it and what does she do? Goes back... normally I would accept her decision and leave it at that. But this happens again and again and I don't know how to handle this. Do I just tell her "Screw off?" do I give her an ultimatum... Why is she such an idiot. I don't get it. Is it because I am in a good and healthy relationship, was I ever that stupid?
Then, a friend, I guess you could call him... well I learned something today that I was not expecting. He is Transgender, and while that acctually doesnt bother me, it was the relization that someone in my life, someone I acctually know, is pre/post op. While I have heard stories, even had a friend in school, whos uncle became her aunt.... it was a shock, and one I think he.... she could clearly see on my face and in my reactions. Why when I for years have preached equalitly and coexisting to the point of turning blue in the face suddenly had a moment of "WTH!" My mind raced with apologetic thoughts for his wife, children... even parents, but it wasnt until my drive home at Four AM this morning that I relized I felt sorry for her. How long had one person suffered through an identity crisis?
Which leads me to my last issue, me. Can I accept me and the actions I have taken part in and the things I have said when it comes to these two very sepret events. Can I step back and accept the fact that I will have to do things that I do not want to, or try to understand something I never truely can.
I would have said yesterday that I accepted everyone as they are....
Today, I questioned that statement...
Tomorrow, I will put it to the test.
So my little sister came to me asking for help, needing a place to stay and help dealing. Since I love her and I would never turn her away we made room for her in our tiny little apartment. It was a tight fit, but hey we could have made it work. She is having boy troubles, fresh out of high school, dating this moron for three years, all they do is fight and scream, he wants to sleep with other women but yet lacks the balls to actually do it and what does she do? Goes back... normally I would accept her decision and leave it at that. But this happens again and again and I don't know how to handle this. Do I just tell her "Screw off?" do I give her an ultimatum... Why is she such an idiot. I don't get it. Is it because I am in a good and healthy relationship, was I ever that stupid?
Then, a friend, I guess you could call him... well I learned something today that I was not expecting. He is Transgender, and while that acctually doesnt bother me, it was the relization that someone in my life, someone I acctually know, is pre/post op. While I have heard stories, even had a friend in school, whos uncle became her aunt.... it was a shock, and one I think he.... she could clearly see on my face and in my reactions. Why when I for years have preached equalitly and coexisting to the point of turning blue in the face suddenly had a moment of "WTH!" My mind raced with apologetic thoughts for his wife, children... even parents, but it wasnt until my drive home at Four AM this morning that I relized I felt sorry for her. How long had one person suffered through an identity crisis?
Which leads me to my last issue, me. Can I accept me and the actions I have taken part in and the things I have said when it comes to these two very sepret events. Can I step back and accept the fact that I will have to do things that I do not want to, or try to understand something I never truely can.
I would have said yesterday that I accepted everyone as they are....
Today, I questioned that statement...
Tomorrow, I will put it to the test.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Trying this out
So I don't normally blog, I have never found it to be interesting, but a sweet friend has one here and with my life how it is, overly dramatic and at times down right ridiculous, I think it was time that I had some form of something. I hope that this will be an alright thing.
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